No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
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idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
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Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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