True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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