u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
