I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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