FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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