Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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