I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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