My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
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That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
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Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.