seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
