my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
