Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
