I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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