Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
lets start a swedish sibling band together
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
