You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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