how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
