there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
