when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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