I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
