Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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