id be glad to
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
