I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
