I can't watch pbs sober anymore
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
