we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
