I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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