I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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