My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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