I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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