kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
