I'm really into asian looking animals
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
