I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
