The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
