I hate all girls vehemently.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
