Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
