Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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