dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
