If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
