So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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