my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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