We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
