I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
