Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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