lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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