Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
