he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
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I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
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This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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