i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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