I think my fart just growled at me.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
