omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
