The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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