I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
