Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
