who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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